Get Yourself a Translator

Originally published August 23rd, 2016 on

I now speak three new languages. These ones aren’t even offered on Rosetta Stone. Maybe ‘languages’ is taking it a bit too far. Are they pidgins? Intricate slang? In any case, they all need their own translator.

The first is Exhaustion. In the past week, I have actually communicated with most people at Monomoy through a series of grunts, shitty looks, and vague pointing. All my ideas were clearly communicated and I lost faith in the intricacy of the English language. I now consider my B.A. in English completely fucking useless, just like my older sister told me it was originally.

The second is Meme, but only ones native to Monomoy. Example conversation: “Don’t worry Chief, I won’t let you down.” “No hunks allowed.” “Pepep is pissed.” “Don’t worry about it, Jack.” “Be warned in time, Louka.” “Yaboobay, yaboobay, yaboobay…” “FOR HARAMBE!” I don’t know what was said, but something was communicated in the course of this example.

The third is a bastardization of Musical Theatre. I do not know musicals well, I cannot dance, and I’ve only seen plays on Broadway. But everyone around here is trained at the Hartt School, so these fools will say hello by belting a line from Wicked or doing the splits or breaking into a full singing and tap number. You can hear someone riffing on one side of campus and then, out of nowhere, the other side will explode with “EW, YOU’RE SO TALENTED IT’S RUDE.” I am forever amazed and in need of ear plugs.

 Here we see a wild Arlene in her natural state.

But I’m an old curmudgeon, so I don’t count. And this old curmudgeon has to leave at the end of this week. Between my family visiting, getting to play Caliban and Blanche back to back, and realizing I’m jumping right into another rehearsal process at CRT, I’m excited/proud/terrified/elated to be so close to finishing another Monomoy season.

I’ll have to return to my native language soon, that of “Third Year Grad Student Terrified of Entering the Real World after Seven Full Years of Higher Education,” but this time, next year, I will be in a completely new and strange place in my life. I’m loving everything going on right now and I can’t wait for what’s next, but I’m also insane so I’m considering learning Russian and attempting to pass the bar exam and studying Grecian Aqueducts in my spare time so I can build a house off the grid and never have to talk to another human being ever again.

T-minus 5 days until I’m back at UConn. Monomoy, let’s open “Johnny On A Spot” and power through. It’s been an honor to play pretend with you all this summer.

 Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure playing with you all summer.


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